So it's no secret I have been a mess the past week or two and I started to realise that not only was I down in the dumps, I was creating more negativity in my life because of my frame of mind. I decided that whatever has happened/is happening I need to let it go and I was going to focus on the beauty in my life.
I started this by writing down all I was grateful for. There are too many things to name here but the simple fact that I am healthy (despite a head cold) and have a roof over my head and food in the fridge it wasn't all bad.
I have to point out that while I was in this sad place which I think is important to feel and move through lots of weird stuff was happening. I got a bill for a call out fee from the houses alarm system which was supposedly going off (which didn't go off at all).. That resulted in me lashing out at the poor customer service helper on the phone ( I later apologised). The next day my car wouldn't start which resulted in an argument with Benj as I was under pressure to get to an appointment and needed a lift.
That was the final straw. I didn't want to affect my relationship so I went and had a chat to a friend.
She told me to talk it all out, so I did. I was mad, sad and there where a lot of tears which I don't like to do in front of people but my old way wasn't working so I let it flow.
After I calmed down she talked me through this relaxation that balances your emotions and makes you feel grounded. It was bliss. I realised it was the first time since the engagement that I felt relaxed. I left her truly grateful and with clarity about what was really going on for me.
I think it's really important to share your emotions with your friends and family. I find this extremely hard. I don't like burdening people with my "stuff" so I usually hold it in and then lash out which is NEVER positive. So I decided to share my feelings and am also going to try to ask for support when I needed it.
I noticed after that epiphany and also being sick with a cold that my body and mind needed a rest and so I gave myself space with no phone/twitter/blog and just chilled.
I ate whatever I wanted. Note: that even though comfort food is great, try not to have it everyday. I ended up with a very sore tummy and felt guilty. I think it's ok to have a little in moderation. Don't binge. It will add to your mental pain.
So after all of that, I thought I need to feel good. I am going to wash and blow dry my hair, paint my nails and listen to some music. I wanted to dress up for no reason, put on some heels and get out of the house that had become my cocoon/dungeon.
Once the sun/wind hit my face I felt better. I started to make work meetings and phone calls that I had put on hold and everywhere I went I was met with a smile. I found out I was nominated for the Cosmopolitan's fun fearless female awards! Such an honor to be on a website with these women! Totally out of my depth but took the compliment in my stride.
I also visited some friends and received some gorgeous gifts, including two bottles of french champagne and a gorgeous gardenia candle. Very unexpected.
The next day I received a box of clothes from Henley! I really understood the way I thought about life was literally creating my life.. From being an angry sad munchkin and attracting fines/broken down cars and fights and switching it to gratitude and love I received love/surprises and laughter.
It was a huge lesson in feeling my pain but not dwelling in it.
Anger is just the surface emotion of pain. When you tap into that you can feel what is really going on. I urge you to share your pain and if that's too scary put on a sad song and have a cry alone and cuddle your pillow. Once you release the pain rather than bottle it (as I do) you become free.
I realised every painful thing that has happened in my life has taught me something exquisite.
I will leave it with my favourite quote "Wisdom is healed pain"