Anxiety, Anticipation and Joy
I wrote the below a week ago:
I'm sitting here, 2 glasses of red wine in my belly to soothe my nerves.
I apologise for the spelling and grammar, as you all know its not my strong point especially after a couple of wines
Tomorrow is my first day at KIIS and I feel like its my first day of school. I'm nervous and excited.
The last 6 months were tough. I've been through some hurdles in the past that were much more traumatic than the past six months but that doesn't take away from the challenge the last 6 months held.
Moving back from NZ to Sydney was challenging for me. Just as moving to NZ was challenging. Lets just say the last 12 months was full of dramatic highs and lows. We moved to NZ and I was lucky enough to have a dream job lined up. It was a travel/cooking show called "The Great Food Race" and it was epic, both to film and to watch. After the show wrapped I was offered a guest spot on ZM radio, one thing led to another and I was offered a full time job on drive (3pm-7pm) with 2 absolute legends that taught me so much and supported me through the unknown world of radio. I fell in love. I was obsessed with radio. I loved that it was off the cuff, that you had to think on your feet and you could be completely honest and yourself.
Growing up I always thought I would be an actor, after studying for 3 years and not landing an acting job I thought it was time to look at other options. I kept getting work as a TV presenter (which I still adore) it led me to radio, I had found my calling. This is what I wanted to do!
I wanted to work in radio.
Before I knew it, we were leaving NZ. Benj had realised his love was with the NRL. I was so happy for him, I always encourage him to follow his dreams but at the same time it was bitter sweet. I loved my job. NZ was slowly growing on me. We had just bought a home and had gotten another puppy. My mind had gotten used to this being our life for the next couple of years.
When Benj told me, I went into support role and just wanted to make sure my man was ok. He was. He was happy.
Then I had my melt down. It was only on one day, on one walk with the dogs. I called Benj and I said "I don't know if I can do it again.. I don't know if I can give up this incredible job." I have gotten this far and I loved where I'm at.
We discussed me possibly staying there, or commuting. But in the end I saw it as an opportunity to do what I love in the country I adore that is my home, Australia.
So we sold the house in 2 days (thank you Universe) and we got on a plane.
My boss at the time Dean Buchanan is a complete legend and supported Benj and I in such an incredible way, I will love him forever.
As the optimist, I thought maybe it would be as easy as a transition as NZ was. Maybe I would just slip into another riveting and stimulating job..
That didn't happen. We got back to Australia in June. Everyone was settled into their jobs.
Things were sloooooooooow.
I changed managers, introductions took time and I had to be PATIENT.. My lesson in all of this is patience.... so much patience...
There were jobs that came up which were great money but totally off track to where I wanted to be. I knew if I took them I wouldn't be able to follow my dream of a radio career. The money was tempting and the fact that I could "tell" people I had a job was a nice idea. But I sucked it up declined the offers and believed that something would shift for me. The right thing would turn up.
I know I sound super hippie-ish but I meditated a lot, I worked with my coach and I practiced some new methods of being in the moment and calling in what I really really wanted- this was some powerful stuff.. But then still nothing was happening as fast as I had hoped.
Some day were good, others not so good.
I deleted a blog post recently that was so angry, toxic and impatient- which I wish I had saved for this moment.. So we could all reflect on how destructive a bad mindset can be.
Every day was different. Sometimes it was productive, I had meetings or was appearing on TV. Other days I was questioning everything in my life. What am I doing? Am I good enough? Should I change careers? Maybe I should study something? Should I have a baby? Where is my life heading!!! Do I have a purpose? I was analysing everything. And on top off that trying to keep it to myself. Trying to keep positive.
This didn't help me at all.
On top of it all, not making money and depending on my husband must seem like the normal thing to do, but I'm fiercely independent, I was running out of my savings from NZ. The lower my bank account got the more stressed I became.
Trust I remember.. Trust it will all work out.
Through all of this Benji was incredible. He really stepped up and supported me during this time, even when I didn't know what I needed, he just made me feel hopeful.
I had some very down days. I hated people asking "What are you doing now? Are you working? What do you do all day?" even when it was from family, it was killing me!
Worse were friends thinking I should be grateful for the fact that I didn't have to work!!!
I wasn't sure what I would do if it clicked over to the new year and I still had no job..
Then I got the call.
"You've got a job!"
I was eating a bag of potato chips having a wallowing moment when the call arrived..
You've got a job my manager Marina said..
Literally everything I needed to hear in all those months came through the other end of the phone.
I started with the countries best radio station Kiis Fm nationally daily at 3pm.
I am so humbled. So excited, I hope you guys love the show as much as I love being there.